Sandra Cius

Freedom.

Free from a lie.

Free from shame.

Free from holding on to potential.

Free from worrying about others opinions.

Free from manipulation.

Free from fake love.

Free from being the right person to the wrong individual.

Free from walking on eggshells.

Free from fake friendships.

Free from the dark cloud.

Free to be me.

Free to be happy.

Free to be at peace.

Free to be present.

Free to be awkard.

Free to say no.

Free to love my way.

Free to speak my truth.

Free…

Self-Love

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Under Construction …

Identity!

eYesterday was a great feeling. the fact that I was able to just put my words down and press publish! I literally screamed all day. It may have been random words to you, but know that I have so much to say and I am trying to get them all together in hopes that you can see the glory of God. I pray that right now in this moment that it is all of Him and none of me!

I told you a short story of my father and want to let you know of a women that I only remember as bubbly, loving mother, sister and friend. My Mother.

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The Atala Butterfly

Its coloration and habits are unique among butterflies within its range.

My mother named Atala. Died at the age of 32. Left behind two boys and a girl. Born in Gonaives, Haiti. The baby of 5 children. Came to American with the help of my father and her older sister. She was loved by so many and was described as a kind-hearted person. Always willing to help, funny and bubbly, a hard working women. I knew my mother as someone very stern. My mother did not play when it came to me, but at the same time playful. I loved annoying my mother. I could remember a time when she was coming out of the shower and trying to get dressed and I kept bothering her and making fart noises on her butt. LOL! and she would say that she would fart in my face for real if I didn’t leave her alone. She was pregnant with my baby brother Wilkins at the time. My mother was a believer. We stayed in the church. Bible study, prayer meetings. We attended them all. I remember when it was just my mother and I, we would move around from one aunts house to another. I do not have any memories of my parents together, as a couple. I have memories of them in separate scenes and that’s it. I remember conversations of hearing how my father was a ladies man. The very small memories of my father were with another women. A women I called my step mother Connie. I would go to her house on the weekends and she would do my hair and buy me things. I would play with her nephew and another girl that she cared for. Connie didn’t have any children of her own. She took good care of me when I was with her. Now that I am an adult with children and a husband who like my Father had other women. Had my children around his “girlfriend” and I was livid and wanted my children as far away from her as possible. I begin to ask God, when I was in that situation, why did my mother allow me to go with this women even after my fathers passing? God answered me and said “Because she didn’t want to lose her blessings”. Although she had no obligation to this women she knew that this women loved me as her own and she allowed it. If only I could speak to my mother and ask her what helped her on her hard days, when she didn’t want to pray? What did she do when she was angry and upset frustrated and wanted to give up? I know the answer to these questions which is prayer, forgiveness and letting go, letting God. All things you should do in order to reach the true relationship with God. But I would’ve loved to see her face as she responses to my questions and rubs my head and tell me everything will be alright. That in it self explains the character of my mother but I want to know more. See the more I dig and pray and ask God for answers the more I feel confident that I can deal and heal from my hurts in this season of my life. My up bringing is the root of my current issues and I am determined to be delivered heal and set free from a destiny that is not mines. These strong holds are not mines. I refuse to allow this cycle to continue and is in the process of binding it up throwing back in the pits of hell were it belongs, so my sons and daughter can be set free! When my father passed all I remember is my mother moving on to my stepfather whom I did not like at all. My mother had a guy friend who I admired because he bought me things and I like seeing how he made my mother smile. I remember asking my mother why she didn’t marry him, and she would say he was already taken. I felt he was good looking and never came over empty handed. He cared for my mother. He always asked how I was doing in school and always seemed concern on how me and my mother were. I eventually met his wife and his sons and still didn’t understand why it wasn’t him and my mother instead. She got with someone I felt was the ugliest man I have ever seen. I made it my business to make his life very difficult. I eased dropped on his phone conversations to later find out he was a lying, cheating, ugly, man. Know that my investigating talents began at that age. Now as an adult I have become a master at investigating we get into that later on. I told my mother of the conversation I heard between my stepfather and another women. And of coarse he lied and she either believed him or lived with the fact she couldn’t change him or the situation. I learned that my mother and I have been in the same relationship. I feel like I’m in desperate need of advice on what to do and what not to do. But I also want to let you know that through out all of this God has filled every void answered every question and has been giving me instructions on how to in my marriage. Now I plan on letting you know exactly what has been going on and where God has made a way out of no way when it comes to my marriage. It has been very difficult in admitting that and seeing it in that light because it doesn’t look like how I want it to or how the world has said it should be. I want my mother here physically but she’s not, But God! I’m still getting the knowledge needed to fulfill my assignment. I learn that my father wasn’t just a ladies man he was an abusive man. As I am in this season in my marriage that is stretching every inch of my faith. I kept asking myself how did I get here asking myself why do I have these issues and insecurities? I was watching a sermon by pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church on YouTube and he was talking about family ties and daddy issues. What they were and how they mold you into who you are today. It is something we learn, We were taught these habits and attitudes and how we face our issues. I was a little confused because I didn’t feel it related to me. But God had to show me that the message was for me and he would show me why the message was pulling on me. I didn’t know much of my up bringing and how my mother dealt with things. As I’m writing this, tears are falling down my face, because I have come to realize that I have married a man that has the same traits of my father. If only I could have a conversation with her. What would she have done differently? What did she regret? Why did she leave or did he leave her? What were the good days like? Did she ever feel that he loved her? Did she ever feel like she failed? Questions I would never have answers to. I never seen my parents fight, but then again I have no memories of them in the same room. I was told that when my father would sleep out and my mother would question him he would hit her. I know that all to familiar. But with all that I have gone through and what I am currently going through my reaction to these things have not been of revenge, wishing ill on these people that have hurt me, its been of me praying for them and them finding God to heal them from the hurts they deal with which is why I feel that they hurt me. I have my moments where my flesh wants to go buck wild, but that feeling don’t last long. I get convicted and I go into prayer and ask god to help me through it. And then I write. This was a tough one for me. It was hard to write, and to hit the publish button. I know that every time I push pass the fear, unbelief, disappointments and hurt. When it’s crazy, when it’s uncomfortable, there is a God that will make a way out of no way! Every fall I get up brush off and ask God, ok what’s next? I trust you lord and I believe that you have something better. I will continue to P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens. I know that god loves me more so now since I’ve been afflicted. I keep praying for strength, power, wisdom and understanding stick with me, there is so much more!

I love you and God Loves you.

Release.

Wow! I’ll have you know that this is the most exciting and scariest moment in my life!

I am pushing past my fears and doing what god is pulling me to do, so bare with me as I gain the confidence in my writing and telling my story. I don’t know what I am doing but I am being lead by my God. My grammar sucks but as I am writing this I am also learning. Because I have been afraid for so long to do this due to the fact that I know I suck at writing but I shouldn’t hold on to my testimony, when I know that it can help others. I am the type of person if I found a sale on something I would spread the word in hopes you would find it, and get the deal. I see my testimony in the same way. If I can tell you how good God has been good to me in spite of all that I have been through it may help you or someone you know with your journey on faith. Hold on now! It gets good and you will eventually look past the running sentences and as well as the missed spelled words. God has been pulling me in this direction but because of self doubt, low self-esteem, stubbornness, pain and disappointments, I have ignored the calling. Who am I and why do I believe my story is significant or impactfully enough to tell the world? I am Sandra Monroe born 9/11/1985 in west palm beach Florida. Married with and have three amazing children, three brothers and one sister, and a boat load of cousins whom I have a called my brothers and sisters. A weird induvial who don’t fit in but I have tried my hardest to do so. God created me with many talents but I haven’t had the confidence to capitalize on them or completely under sold myself. I always second guess myself and half the time I believe the negative before the positive. Whew child that was tough to write but in all of that I am learning that it take one day at a time, because everyday I along with God have peeled back each layer and have been dealing with those issues. A mentor, a great cooker (as what my children would say), lover, motivator, believer that Christ died on the cross for my sins. a writer, I love to read and Dance (especially to Kompa). Yellow is my favorite and I love Children and making them smile. I give long warm hugs and my jokes are funny! lover of fashion and I have a thing for romantic comedies ( I really love them) And I LOVE BEING A BLACK HAITIAN AMERICAN WOMEN!

By the age of 11 I’v lost both my mother and father. My father pasted when I was 5 years old and my mother when I was 11 years old. I don’t have much memories of my father or should I say much memories that are accurate. So many stories that I have said and that have been said by others to fill in the gaps of a story with many holes, that I don’t know what is real or what was a lie. There are several facts that I do know about him that I have heard all my life from several different sources that have never changed. Those facts are the root and core of many of my issues today. My parents were born and raised in Haiti. Not sure at what age they came to America. That being said, it explains some the issues at hand. Island folk do not tell their business especially to their children simply because of pride. So many unanswered questions that I have that may never get an answer to. I have been told many times that my father was a big time drug dealer in West Palm Beach in the 90s and he was a Man with many women, six to be exact, along with my mother ho he married in Haiti. I was reminded of this whenever I was in palm beach running into a friend of the family, a family member or just someone who admired him. None of which I knew or remembered but these people knew me and my family very well. From what I heard and the little I remembered my father spoiled me rotten. Because of his lifestyle we were always on the go. A lot of the little memories I have of him was in a car or going to a car. I always wondered why being displaced so many times didn’t bother me much through out my childhood. I know now. At the age of 32 is when I heard the story of my parents on how they met, how I came along and the death of my father. I received a lot answers to questions I never even thought of. That is only because of what I encountered in my own marriage. Had I not gone through what I went through in my own marriage I would have never dug so deep to find out why I felt the way I felt, why I had some many insecurities why I married the man I married. This blog is my personal journey to the many bumps in the road, road blocks, mental, physical, emotional abuse, betrayal, love, death and most importantly the grace of God. My journey may seem familiar to you or someone you know. I don’t know where this is going or what it will lead to I am simply obeying the pulling and calling of God.

I hope we can grow together and learn from each other. I by far am not perfect and I have many flaws but in all of what I have been through, I have seen the glory of God, his grace and mercy. I have felt his presence I heard his voice. Even when I want to rebel or when it hurts, God reminds me why he choose me for this assignment. I have asked God serval times is he sure and can I see the Sandra he has so much confidence in. I want to see her in his perspective. I am learning to love who I am as much as I love everyone around me. I am a giver and I love with everything in me. I want to be able to see god and here him say Daughter, you have made me proud. Thank you for your time and patience. Know that I am scared out of my mind but I am also excited. At peace in knowing if no one read this, if two people read this, it is well in the eyes of the lord because was obedient to what he has told me to do and will wait on the lords instructions. What you will walk away with after reading my blog is, hope, ideas, the will of God, encouragement, and motivation. I tell my kids all the time to never give up. This is my story on how I never gave up. It wasn’t by accident that you clicked to read this. I will continue to ask god to allow it to be his words, let me write it the way he gave it to me.

Stay tune! I love you and God Loves You!